Vol 32 What happens when you reveal your fears to everyone you know?

I am happy here, but I miss summer on Orcas. The Saturday Market, concerts in the park, garage sales, walking around the lakes, swimming, going on bee-sting calls with the fire department. I hardly get any emails anymore, which I guess was inevitable. Everyone is used to my absence now. I guess I need to keep trying to make good friends here, which may be tricky. For such an outgoing person, I'm actually quite shy.

I have been doing some soul searching lately. I feel like I am at some sort of crossroads in my life. I can stay in Oman, go back to my old life, or return to the US, but do something different. Or go to another country. I have no great love for my house. I could sell it. I have great love for my friends but the driving force in my life, my main goal has been to improve myself and find a unique type of love. A combination of spiritual connection, companionship and good sex. And my friendships, no matter how good, are no substitute for finding someone to share my life with. I need a partner. I am so ready. I've realized recently that I have been waiting for this great love to appear so that I can figure out what to do next. Lately, fear has been intruding on my positive outlook. What if love passes me by? What if love with a partner is not the central focus of my life as I have assumed it to be? What if I am to content myself with the kind of love to be found with friends and family? What if my decision not to have children was wrong? My friend Mahfood believes in Destiny. Fate. He tells me "The good woman for the good man". He assures me that God would not give me such a big heart if He did not intend for me to share it.

Mahfood has this week experienced his own happy ending. When I met him he had been engaged to a woman for 7 years. But there was no hope of their ever marrying because her mother did not approve of him. Though he is successful now, he comes from a humble background. His fiance would not stand up to her mother. He and I talked about it quite a bit. Eventually he broke it off with her. He told her he loved her but didn't want to wait for her to choose him any longer. Three weeks later she is ready to choose him over her mothers approval. I'm simplifying this quite a bit. I should mention her mother really likes Mahfood, she just doesn't approve of them marrying. It's a cultural thing. Difficult for us to understand. Anyway, I am so happy for him. He is all smiley.

My friend Jessica is marrying my ex-brother-in-law,Noel, next month. Again, I am so happy for them. Can't quite believe I won't be there to share their joy.

Somehow these stories of love around me serve to both give me hope and feed my fear.

Another friend told me a few months ago that all the self improvement I've done has worked. He says I am an exceptional woman. I thought that was so sweet and I thanked him. But he went on to say that the problem with that is that exceptional men are rare. I can't help recalling that remark as I look at the men available to me here, or anywhere for that matter. Like they say, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

So I shall name my fears, in hopes that they shall lose some of their power once out in the light. I am not beautiful enough. I am a woman whose face grows on you, not the more obvious beauty that today's men seem to prefer. I am too old. Men want a woman at least 10 years younger than themselves. And they want her to be thinner than I am. And they want her to have the same body she had 20 years ago. No graying, no veins. I am too coarse. I laugh loudly. I say what's on my mind in unsophisticated language. I am not successful enough.

When I am asked what I do for a living I am embarrassed to say that I'm (just) a dental assistant. People often misunderstand and assume that I am a dental hygienist, and I let them. It's easier than explaining the difference. I think my only regret in life is that I did not get a bachelors degree. In anything. There are so many careers I would love to pursue but for each of them, you need a BA, or at least the initial college prerequisites. University passed me by. I was lazy. I didn't want the student loans. I didn't know what to take. And at 42 I am not about to do it now. I feel like I wasted my brain. I went to cooking school but how does that help me now? Though I have proven I can run a restaurant and actually make money doing it, I don't want to.

So what do I want? What's next? Open a restaurant in Oman? Open a dental clinic in Qatar? Import fabric to Seattle? Get knocked up or adopt a kid and make them the love of my life? Become a dental practice manager? Go to hygiene school? Get a business admin degree? I've thought about this last idea a lot over the years. I have a good brain for business and management. But who will hire me with no degree and only my own cafe for experience? I am good at most things I try so what will I try next? My attitude that happiness is always available to you ensures that I enjoy myself no matter what I am doing. But what if in addition to the happiness I bring with me what I was doing was really fun, or rewarding, or challenging. If I could do anything, what would it be?

Perhaps I need to figure this all out before I can attract the man I seek. More self improvement. Which will make me more exceptional and therefore more unlikely to find a man. Am I to give up on a man altogether? What's wrong with being single? I get to decorate however I like and no one grumbles about the light being on when I read in bed at night.

Sigh.

Let me reiterate, I am happy here. I am a happy person. Just because the tone of this blog has been self-questioning doesn't mean that I am depressed or anything. It has been said that my blog has been impersonal at times so I just thought I'd let you know a bit about what's on my mind. No need to send pep talks.